


ten interesting facts about the human body

by taffeta



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (2014), What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Canon-adjacent, M/M, after the counsel episode, and thats a horrifying thought, boring semi-medical talk, colin robinson is human adjacent but not quite there, colins fascination with the human body, god knows why i made this lmao, kinda fluff? mostly weird, takes place in the daytime, touch starved colin robinson, touch starved guillermo as well, two men hugging, unsexy talk about the hypothalamus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23702173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taffeta/pseuds/taffeta
Summary: The human body and its processes have always been a point of interest for Colin Robinson, mostly due to the similarities between humans and energy vampires, like himself. Did you know that energy vampires also suffer from touch deprivation, also known as skin hunger?Good thing Guillermo's always nearby for a hug.
Relationships: Guillermo/Colin Robinson (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 116





	ten interesting facts about the human body

**Author's Note:**

> This is so fucking weird and Mark Proksch is really the least sexiest human being alive on this planet right now so I can’t believe I’m even writing this but
> 
> but 
> 
> Did y’all know Mark is six feet tall??

Humans fascinate Colin Robinson.

Did you know that human skin is completely replaced about 1,000 times during their lives? There are about 40,000 bacteria in the human mouth at any given time. Did you know children grow faster in the springtime?

He prattles these facts on and on to some poor schmuck at the office, anyone that’ll give him the time of day, he’s not picky—but secretly, Colin Robinson knows these things because humanity, and his adjacent-ness, but not-quite-close-enoughness to it, is as fascinating as it is frightening. 

The first time Guillermo hugs Colin Robinson is when he’s screaming in the forest, running for his life from absolutely nothing, but the shame of accidentally killing another vampire is hot on his heels. He runs into Colin Robinson completely by accident, with an enormous stick in his hand that Guillermo only realizes is an umbrella after he gets close enough. 

Never, not once, has he been glad to see Colin Robinson before this; but after the fiasco with the Vampiric Counsel, he’d be happy to run into any of them now. 

“Colin! Colin Robinson!” Guillermo’s coming at him so fast that Colin has no choice but to drop the umbrella before Guillermo pulls him into a fierce hug.

“We gotta get everyone out, they’re, the—oh shit the vampire in the dungeon, oh my god I—”

But Colin isn’t listening. Not really. Colin Robinson is acutely aware of the blood pumping in Guillermo’s veins, the human scent of fear sticking on his clothes like smoke, and the rapid-fire explanation coming from Guillermo’s mouth describing his impossible escape from the labyrinth, but Colin Robinson can only focus on the feeling of something heavy and solid and breathing in his hands. 

Guillermo tries to pull away, probably to look him in the eye and explain what the hell is happening _(Colin already knows, of course, thus the umbrella)_ , but he lingers on the hug for a moment, just a moment more. Really trying to imprint the closeness of another living thing that he doesn’t want to feed from or outdo in emotional gymnastics, like Evie. 

When they part, it takes a second for Colin to explain everything—yes, he knows where they are, yes, that’s why he has the umbrella, yes, yes, they’re going to get Nandor and Nadja and Laszlo now—and on the way to the well and back, vampires three in a cardboard shoebox, agitated but alive, Colin Robinson replays the hug in his mind’s eye over and over again. Specifically, what he felt during the event. 

When they get home, Colin takes to researching immediately. 

Did you know a person is about 8 millimeters taller in the morning than they are at nighttime? 

Sometimes Colin tries to measure this, being the only one among them (besides Guillermo, of course) who can enjoy the daytime, but he never finds those 8 millimeters. He wonders where they sneak off to, during the day. Colin Robinson wonders these things all the way to Guillermo’s door, and he is still wondering when he raps on the wood. 

Guillermo opens up, confusion etched on his face, the skin between his brows bunched up as he surveys Colin Robinson outside his door. There’s something else there—something guilty, because if there’s one thing Colin has learned in his [X] amount of years on this planet, it’s how to read a human being—but Guillermo opens the door wider anyway.

“Knock knock,” says Colin Robinson, “how’s my little vampire slayer doing today?”

Guillermo’s mouth drops open. He leans heavily on the doorframe to support his weight, his chest heaving like he’s about to throw up whatever human slop he consumed for breakfast. His skin blanches, and Colin steps out of the way before he can throw up on him, into Guillermo’s room. 

“You…know? I forgot that I—”

“Of course I do, silly,” Colin Robinson looks over the confined quarters of Guillermo’s bedroom; past the cutouts of Antonio Banderas, of other fictional vampires, and surveys the glitter portrait of Guillermo and Nandor before plopping down on his too-small bed.

“I heard what you said. Well, frankly, I think it’s impossible for you to do to something like that. Kill a vampire, I mean. Did you know that a 120-pound woman can lift a 2,000-pound vehicle to save her child?”

“Colin, what does that have to do with anything?” Whispers Guillermo, still supporting himself on the frame but looking less and less ready to hurl by the second. 

“What I mean is that, well, maybe you had a moment of adrenaline. Did you know that, when adrenaline is triggered in the body, it relaxes the airways to give the muscles more oxygen, thus making your breathing shallower? The adrenaline causes a fight or flight response, so when the air is restricted to only the muscles, it, uh, provides your body with the strength to either flee from danger or fight it. Now, I-I don’t know if this is applicable to me, but it should be, right? Since I still have blood in my body. Granted, I don’t consume or use oxygen like you normal humans do, so it’s really a medical miracle that I have any blood at all—”

“Colin, please,” now, Guillermo looks about ready to pass out; his head lolling slightly to the side, his eyes half-lidded, fighting sleep. 

“Did you want something, or? Not to be rude, but why are you here?”

Hoo boy. This would need some explaining. Colin clapped his hands on his thighs, underneath his standard-issue brown trousers, and let out a long, slow breath. Might as well get a quick feeding out of it, while he’s here.

“Did you know that there’s a thing called touch deprivation? It’s also known as skin hunger. It’s a pretty prevalent condition in developed countries, what with the fact that we’re so into technology lately and less into…well, touching each other. Skin hunger, if you will, activates the neurotransmitter oxytocin, also known as the ‘love hormone’. It’s a naturally occurring hormone in the body, and has a powerful impact on social behavior, has been known to decrease stress and anxiety levels, etcetera, etcetera.”

Guillermo seems only slightly exhausted, his hands wrapped around his midsection, and waves his hand, beckoning Colin to keep talking. 

“Since my relationship with Evie…well. I’ve been feeling a bit…deprived.”

This time, Guillermo seemed to understand what is being asked of him; the look on his face nearly comical, if Colin could find any sort of humor in this situation. Guillermo shifted from one foot to the other, wringing his hands, mouth set in a straight line. 

“Uh. Wow. I—Colin Robinson, I’m not that kind of familiar—”

“Oh, no, no, there’s been a misunderstanding. Guillermo, I’m definitely not asking you to have sex with me,” the thought of it brings a flushed look to Guillermo’s cheeks and ears, “I’m asking for a hug.”

“Hug me. For at least…twenty seconds,” said Colin Robinson, glancing down at his watch, nothing if not on time, “it’s the optimal time for oxytocin to kick into the brain.”

“…that’s all you want. A hug?” 

“All I want,” said Colin, rising from the mattress and spreading his fingers beckoning Guillermo in closer, “bring it in, brotha.” 

“Colin...I mean," Guillermo sighs, running his fingers through his head. A hug doesn't sound that bad, especially after the absolutely abysmal couple of days he's had, with killing Baron Afanas and the vampire assassin in the dungeon, hell, with nearly getting himself and his master killed--so a hug doesn't sound too bad, not at all. He's only hesitating because it's _Colin_ asking for it. 

"If it’ll get you out of here faster,” and before he can really think about it, Guillermo takes two steps towards Colin and wraps his arms around the energy vampire’s midsection. 

Colin smells exactly like Guillermo thought he would—a sterilized work environment. Someplace with a lot of filing cabinets and beige walls. Guillermo squints, leaning in closer, sniffing like a hound hot on a rabbit’s trail; there's some other smell there, that's not so bad—something like…

“Vanilla?” 

“And cinnamon. For stress relief and relaxation,” said Colin, chuckling lightly, “I’ve been getting really into the science of aromatherapy recently, and I’ve found that—”

“Shut the hell up Colin Robinson, please.” 

And he does. 

Guillermo balances his head on Colin’s shoulder, still pleasantly surprised at the entire interaction. He sort-of assumed that touching Colin Robinson would’ve been like hugging a blobfish; something slimy and uncomfortable but getting over the hump of the weirdness of the situation—two men in a cramped room, hugging in the middle of a closet—maybe Colin had a point with this touch deprivation thing. 

“This is…nice,” Guillermo acknowledges quietly, still with his nose buried in Colin Robinson’s pasty neck, breathing in the smell of laminate paper and manila folders and vanilla aromatherapy, “we should do this again, Colin. How long has it been?”

“Since we initiated the hug? One minute and thirty-seven seconds,” said Colin, still making no attempts to pull away, “do you feel the oxytocin yet?”

“I guess so?”

“…did you know that there are four neurotransmitters responsible for our happiness? Obviously, oxytocin isn’t the only one of them, released in a hug; there’s also dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. There are different ways to trigger them, I’ve recently learned—

And at this point, Colin stumbles backward, as Guillermo keels over, completely asleep now. One scuffling foot at a time, Colin leads them both back to the mattress, holding Guillermo up like a sack of potatoes with some difficulty. Colin’s a vampire, of course, but being an energy vampire only provides him with so much strength. He plops down on Guillermo’s bed, still holding the sleeping familiar, who has begun to drool on his shoulder. 

There’s a brief pause, before Colin decides, _why the fuck not_ , and continues.

“Like I was saying before, there are ways that people have found that you know, trigger these specific hormones; it’s quite fascinating, actually. For triggering dopamine specifically, research shows that it’s better to break down bigger goals into smaller goals, and to celebrate those small accomplishments; and, while we're on the topic of dopamine, did you know that the neurotransmitter is produced in several areas of the brain, including the hypothalamus?”

Colin Robinson props Guillermo up closer, holding him gently (humans are very easy to crush, even for an energy vampire), so he doesn’t fall over. There’s no point to this feeding—he can’t get anything out of a sleeping meal, so it’s more to flex his knowledge on the systems of humans. And the fact that the close contact with another living being feels…nice. Feels organic.

“Now, the hypothalamus, for reference, is located above the pituitary gland, and it’s useful for things like, maintaining homeostasis,” continues Colin, gently brushing Guillermo’s unruly hair from his eyes, and placing his glasses on the dresser, so they don’t break, “There are two sets of nerve cells in the hypothalamus that produce hormones—”

**Author's Note:**

> Colin Robinson: still talking about the pituitary gland or whatever
> 
> Guillermo, upon waking up: what the _fuck_


End file.
